How am I driving? Call 800-DONT ASK!

First of all, I would like to thank the Toyota manufacturers of the world for installing those wonderfully underappreciated "Oh Shit" handles in their vehicles. You know, those little handles located just above the car doors that we often use for hanging our Sunday best on? And to those cars without them I chose not to acknowledge your oversight.

We have just concluded our 2 month visit to Asia and what a 61 days it was. So many adventures that pulled at our patience, tested our strength as a couple, yet somehow are the cause of the smile wrinkles on our cheeks. So many "oohs" & "ahhhs" that we have reported about so many times before. I'm sure we will remember tid bits of our visit to the Marble Mountains of Danang or the 3-day jungle trek in Thailand or even the miraculous Angkor Wat Temple in Cambodia. No doubt all memorable adventures. But no matter how mushy our brains become over the years, I doubt we will ever forget the terror that accompanied a Sunday drive in Asia.

In the United States, we have so many road rules to abide by. Stay in your lane, use your blinkers, do not cross a double yellow, pass on the left, RED means stop, GREEN means go and for heaven's sake, don't honk your horn at me or you may get the bird flying your way JERK! In Asia, the formula is to throw all of this out the window, close your eyes and accelerate! Whether driving a motorbike or as a passenger in any number of vehicles, the stress level on the roads was matched by nothing else we encountered - well, maybe bungy jumping.

Take these examples for instance:

*Buses - We often took buses from place to place. A cheap option and sometimes an overnight ride which accounted for our accomodation as well. I laugh at the name, "Sleeper Bus", because unless assisted by pharmaceudicals, sleep would be the last thing you would be doing. The drivers are eratic, simply trying to get from here to there as fast as they can, with all disregard for their passengers well being. I often sat up and laughed, "Stop swerving and honking at 70 km/hr! Its a Sleeper Bus dammit! I'm trying to S-L-E-E-P."

*Taxis - There were not many of these for us but one ride stands out. From Siem Reap, Cambodia to the eastern border of Thailand, we decided to go taxi instead of old bus (we were on our way to Bangkok). We had heard the road was crap and the bus ride was twice as long as a speedy taxi. Buses seemed to always have sketchy Air Con as well and Asia is not place to be caught without A/C. One ongoing problem: No seatbelts...ever. Often we had one side of the nylon belt but rarely both connections. On this particular adventure, after ducking and dodging people and motorbikes, charging down sudden detours and honking at EVERYTHING, our rising heart rates helped up with our ingenousness and creativitiy. We hooked our belts together with our trusty carabeaner. If we crashed now, at least we would be slammed together instead of flying through the windshield.

The honking is a phenomenon. The inventor of the car horn would be proud because nary a second passes without blasting it. Honk, Honk, hooonnnnkkkk! Its funny because as I mentioned, in the US its not accepted without a sense of disdain, but in Asia its more of a notification. As I'm flying up behind you I want to just let you know I'm coming. Motorbike, you better move to the side. Its understood as a form of road communication. The horn is critical to keeping the traffic flowing. Lanes are non-existent as any vehicle at any time may hog the entire road, swerve to left or slow down. There is no sense of pattern, just keep going, avoid the brakes until the last moment and hold on!!

In Asia, there are countdown clocks that tell you how much longer a light is Red or Green. Its actually a brilliant invention and yellow lights were non-existent. Unfortunately, what it does is cause hte throngs of motorbikes huddled at an intersection to not so slowly creap out...3...in the intersection...2...accelerating...1, already halfway!!

Despite the calouses on my hands because of the gripping of the Oh Shit handles, I must give credit where credit is due. We were often picked up early and delivered to our desired destination before expected. Punctuality at all costs!

I wonder when we return home, how many 'birds' fly my way as I try to communicate in my new road language. And why shouldn't I creap into the intersection while its still red? hmmm? I've got places to be.